I broke up with my boyfriend of 5 months this weekend. He disappeared for 2 days. Apparently he had told me he was going to be out with friends, but I misunderstood. This was the second time in a month that he has done this. It is not that he was gone. It is good for him to have a life outside of me. I don’t want an all-consuming relationship. But I didn’t know where he was and when I tried to call him on his cell phone, he wouldn’t answer it. But the disappearance gave me time to think.
When he reappeared, he didn’t even apologize for not answering his cell phone when I was trying to reach him. The reason he could not answer the phone was that he keeps me a secret from his best friends. He didn’t want them to know about me, and if he answered my calls, he would have to explain me.
I am tired of being his "dirty little secret", that he doesn’t want his friends to know about me. But it is more than that. He is truly incapable of true emotional intimacy. That sounds like psychosocial babble, so I feel I need to elaborate.
I was having a lot of fun with him, and great sex, but I really want more than fun and sex from a relationship. I want someone who will truly want to know me as a person, and will let me into their soul. I want love. He wanted to keep the relationship on a shallower level. He was good at niceties – IMing me every morning to say good morning when he went to work. Talking to me almost every night. Being kind and sweet. But he was unable to get beyond superficialities.
So I am back to looking again for a relationship. I want a messy relationship, that entails a true connection, on a deep level.
